Voices
by Meyzen
Summary: An adaptation of the "start three paragraphs with the same sentence" challenge, and continuation of "I never saw it coming", "I knew it" and "What did I do to deserve this". Thoughts of various characters. Babe HEA. I promise this is the last one.


Disclaimer, I own nothing, characters belong to JE, just playing with them for fun not profit.

I don't know who thought up the challenge of write three chapters, each starting with the same sentence, but thank you. I never thought I would try any challenge, it's too scary to submit something when you read all the talented attempts from other writers. Then for reasons unknown to me I decided to have a shot at this yesterday and as you can see I've got a bit carried away. I've had fun and promise that this will be the last one. I have repeated the first 6 voices, in order, from "I never saw it coming" and "I knew it", most of you guessed who they were, and I've added a couple of extras in this one.

Thank you again to whoever posted the challenge, and thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed :-)

* * *

 _Voices._

 _..._

 _Ever experience that little voice in your head_ , the one that makes you realise that you've fucked up completely and need to change your ways? That you've learnt the lesson too late, and lost something that you never realised was so valuable until it was gone? Well that's what I'm listening to now, I think it's my conscience. The one I never knew I had. The one that had been hiding for God only knows how many years. Or maybe it wasn't hiding. Maybe I had kept it locked and hidden away in a box. Not only did I take Stephanie for granted, I wronged her. Repeatedly. From the time we played choo-choo when she was six, to the time I took her virginity when she was sixteen, and my numerous more recent transgressions. That wretched voice in my head decided I hadn't truly or fully acknowledged the stupidity of my actions or learnt from them and proceeded to recount each and every one of my more recent misdeeds, from cuffing her naked and vulnerable to the shower rod, to letting her believe she was a suspect in her ex-husband's disappearance while keeping him in protective custody in my own home, to allowing her to solve my cases while I took the credit, to giving her grief over her job and her skills … and the voice and wisdom of hindsight continues to recount a litany of my sins …..

…..

 _Ever experience that little voice in your head,_ the one that convinces you to just give in to temptation, claiming resistance is futile. I'm so pleased I listened to that voice. It took me a long time, and it had to compete with others for my attention, particularly the voice of reason, but the warm embrace and gentle caresses of my new husband confirm repeatedly that I made the right decision.

…..

 _Ever experience that little voice in your head_ , the one that says "You idiot. What have you done."? Hindsight can be a wonderful thing…or not. I love my daughter. Truly, I do. I just want her to be happy, and safe. Safe is important. I realise now that I wasn't as good a mother as I thought, and all the insensitive things I said and did to Stephanie over the years were coming back to haunt me. I wanted her to stay in the Burg, get married, and have a family like all my friends' daughters. I tried so hard, setting her up with all sorts of men, trying to find her someone so she could have another attempt at marriage and children. I was sure that the life I had chosen for myself would make her happy as well, if only she could find the right man. I had forgiven Joseph his youthful transgressions and thought he was going to be the one. He was from the Burg, had a house and a good job, and life would continue on in the true fashion and tradition of the Burg. But now Stephanie has eloped and married _Carlos_. She didn't even have a proper wedding. Just a simply ceremony in Miami with his Grandmother as witness. And to make matters worse they are going to live in Miami, close to his family. I hate that the voice in my head is pointing out that it was my own selfishness and stupidity that has caused this situation. I took control of her first wedding, arranging everything to my liking, oblivious to any of her preferences and totally disregarding any of her requests. In fact I've spent my whole life doing much the same thing, failing to ask her opinion, failing to see she had her own likes and dislikes, failing to respect her choices. My efforts to have her married and settled in the Burg, thinking she would be happy with that life if she would just give it a chance, have only succeeded in pushing her away from me.

I took another sip of my medicine, despairing at my actions, and hoping I could find a way to ask her forgiveness and make amends.

…..

 _Ever experience that little voice in your head_ , you know, the one that says "you know you're gonna pay for this" but you ignore it and go ahead and do it anyway, because life's too short to not have some fun? Well I've just bitch slapped that stupid voice and put on my new hot pink leisure suit to go and meet Mr Wolowitz. Helen's going to have a cow when she finds out we've taken the bus to Atlantic City. We've booked a room and we're gonna play the slots, enjoy the all night buffet, and have ourselves an elopement, just like my baby grand-daughter, only ours is make-believe. Of course Helen and the Burg doesn't know that. It's gonna be a hoot! Helen won't think so and she'll probably try and ground me like she used to do to Stephanie. But just like Stephanie it won't have any effect on me.

…..

 _Ever experience that little voice in your head_ , the one that goads you to tell everyone "I told you so"? The one that makes you feel smug and satisfied as though you were the only one who was right and could see what was happening. I have known Steph all my life and always thought she and Ranger had a connection and would eventually end up together, despite Steph's protests to the contrary. Lenny had claimed several times that I was wrong about Ranger, that he fancied Steph but didn't love her. That he was an opportunist and only interested in getting a bit of action on the side, like most red-blooded single men. He was careful to clarify the "single" status … at least he knows which side his bread is buttered on if he doesn't want to sleep on the couch for a week. He didn't believe me at first when I told him they eloped, but he did agree wholeheartedly that it was a smart move. Even Lenny remembers the nightmare of a dress Helen chose for the bridesmaids for Steph's first wedding. As Matron of Honour I felt obliged to keep the dress, but Lenny insisted that it be thrown away, especially after Steph's divorce. He claimed disposing of it was a community service, that no one should be subjected to seeing anyone wear such a hideous dress. I had to secretly agree, and I knew Steph would as well.

…

 _Ever experience that little voice in your head_ which alerts you to imminent catastrophe? Actually it's more like a blood curdling scream of warning, but maybe that's just the mercenary's version. That's the voice I heard the day Little Girl was trussed up and dangling from the bridge, and Ranger dived into the Delaware after her when she fell. I've had Ranger's back for all of our adult lives. He's my best friend, my brother in arms, and sometimes I know him better than he knows himself. Watching him jump off that bridge proved what I'd known for a long time and what he kept denying to himself and everyone else. That he loved that blue eyed, curly haired, little spitfire from the Burg and would risk his life for her without hesitation.

I gave a snort at the irony of it all as I sipped from my glass of 12 year old Scotch, a solitary toast to their happiness and future together. Little girl wasn't the only one with real estate in the land of denial.

…

 _Ever experience that little voice in your head,_ the one that forces you to take stock of reality? I knew she would never be mine. I knew that one day she and the boss-man would get their act together and realise they were meant for each other. Took them long enough. I'm happy for her, for them, really I am. But I can't deny that I have secretly dreamed for years what it would be like to hold her in my arms. To have her look at me the way she looks at Ranger. The voice in my head is sad, a little melancholy, but at least it's not judgemental or mocking. If anything maybe its helping me let go of this unrealistic, unhealthy fantasy. After all, I know I'm too quiet for her, and the whole stun gun thing during the Slayers incident made me look incompetent. Not that she ever teased me about it. If anything, she was apologetic and went out of her way to make amends and befriend me. The voice in my head is telling me to hang on to that, to appreciate that. Her friendship. And who knows, maybe one day I will meet someone who can accept me for who I am. Who can see past my exterior and laugh and smile with me the same way that Steph is able to.

With a sigh I give one final swing at the punching bag, signalling the end of its punishment as I turn and walk towards the showers.

…..

 _Ever experience that little voice in your head_ , or that feeling of _knowing_? That sudden realisation and certainty of your life's direction and purpose? It's something you can't always put into words. You just _know_. I had such an epiphany when I heard that Ranger and _mi Angelita, mi Estephania,_ were married in the Church of the Sacred Heart with his Abuela Rosa as the only witness. _El Jefe_ always thought he was damned, cursed for his past and destined for a solitary existence. At least his actions were done in the name of his country, not in the name of a gang like my own sordid past. But he has seen and embraced the light that was offered to us through the presence of _Estephania_ , and like him, I will spend the rest of my days watching over her, over them. Protecting that light and gift that has been offered to the world and to those of us who thought we did not deserve care and respect from _anyone_ , let alone such an angel.

….

 _Ever experience that little voice in your head_ that tells you you're right? That you just _know_ what is going to come to pass, despite everyone else telling you otherwise. Standing in the Church watching my Grandson marry the woman he loves has given me a profound sense of peace and happiness. I am an old woman, and I was worried I may not live to see this day. He is a good man my Grandson, I am no innocent, I know he has done terrible things in the name of his country, and perhaps in defence of those he loves. But never for a second have I doubted the intentions and integrity of his heart. I knew he deserved love, I knew if he could only open himself up he would find it, and now it has happened it will grow and multiply.

I light candles and say a prayer before leaving the Church, knowing in my heart that these new prayers will be answered as well.

….

 _Ever experience that little voice in your head,_ the one that says "It's time"? It's as though I've been waiting for this call forever. And now it's come. It will be an interesting journey, and an even more interesting life. I'm excited, and looking forward to meeting them, and I know they are going to be pleased and excited as well. I can feel it. Nine months seems like such a long time, but we have to do this right, so I'll just have to be patient.

...

 _Complete._


End file.
